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11/29/07 08:31 pm

 I'm disgusting and ugly and fat and horrible.
I want to die.
I don't deserve anything else anymore. Just pain.

11/27/07 08:24 pm - Decisions

I was sick today and couldn't get out of bed for the most part. To be honest I didn't want to either. I want the sheets to swallow so I'll never have to face the world again. 
I've been thinking about the whole Holland/Texas thing. If my mother doesn't change her mind (again) I have a big choice to make. So I'm going to write a list of pro's and con's because right now I can't think of any other way to compare it.

Texas

Pro's

My father is a lot more tolerant and understanding of me, and knows much better how to treat and talk to me. People speak English. More people there who are on the average quite a bit friendlier. More cute boys on skateboards XD
Bigger chance of things to do.

Con's

It'll be harder to get out of the country and back to Europe. Less freedom. A lot of stupid religious people and people that actually ask "Do you speak English in England?"
I might just move out in two years to England anyway.

Holland

Pro's 

Lot's of freedom and open-mindedness. It's a city so it's closer to everything. Easier to go back to England.

Con's

People on the average aren't that nice, my mother isincredibly hard to live with. HUGE language barrier. Much harder to make friends because of it. Ignored a lot. Boredom. Really lonely.

Current Mood: uncomfortable

11/26/07 07:45 pm - Fuckkk

Hmph. I know it shouldn't bother me but my best friend in England went into town without me. Yes it's pathetic that I find this aggravating because he's in another country but still T_T
I'm here rotting away and he's out and he didn't even invite me! And the guy I was completely in love with and who hurt me was there and the fact that my friend was there too felt like betrayal.
The paranoia is probably a result of my shitty day/life. I just want to crawl up into the corner by myself and fucking die.
Current Mood: lonely

11/25/07 04:45 pm

On Friday when I was walking back to the tram stop I tried to turn on my iPod and the screen was just a white light. It hasn't been fixed so I'm trying to power up the old one but because it's so ancient it can't live without the charger.
Then I went to my cousin's family gathering thing. It wasn't that bad to be honest, but before that me and the family had a fight so I was still upset about that.
Had another one today. My mother kept calling me names and she dragged me up the stairs and my skin is peeling off from where she pulled so hard. I couldn't stop crying and I was kept cutting my leg like an idiot and I was ready to just go into town and jump off somewhere really tall. So I grabbed my coat and left the house, my body still shaking and I couldn't stop the tears. I got on the tram and stayed on for about two times round the entire line. I know the person checking the tickets was thinking how strange I was. I probably looked a sight too with my unbrushed hair and running eyeliner. I got off after that and then finally went home. 
My mother came to hug me. I apologized since it was all a fight about my work around the house and all (even though I did do my share that we agreed on). I finally took a shower and wiped away the dried blood on my legs and all the running make up. Not the best weekend really.
Current Mood: crushed

11/22/07 07:24 pm - Well

Yesterday I had a long look in the mirror. My thighs have gotten bigger. Greedy cow. I finally just took apart the razor and used it. But it's only about ten (well fifteen) small ones on my ankle, so I'm telling myself it doesn't count.
Had my hair done today. I like it at least. First two are edited to make me look nice, the rest show the real me.

( Pics )


11/21/07 08:33 pm - Tear me down

 It's Ville Valo's birthday tommorow <3
And mine in....27 days. It's the 18th of next month. Not too sure of date.
The kind words yesterday cheered me up, thank you <3
I genunienly wanted to end it yesterday.  I actually almost broke down in school today.  But I didn't do either. Instead I cried myself to sleep, and spent an entire free period with loud music by myself. I really am numb right now, as if emotion doesn't want to register. Which is good for once because all the emotions I've been feeling lately haven't been that good. 
But the lonliness is still here, it never goes away. But I tried today, I forced myself not to cry and I forced myself to smile. I want a good friend right now who knows what it's like.
I want someone to make me feel pretty and good about myself again.
I want to be happy so bad it hurts.
Current Music: Christine - Sugercult
Current Mood: numb

11/20/07 08:06 pm - An honest post

I know I shouldn't be feeling like this because there is no way I deserve it.
I know there are people out there who have bigger problems.
I know I should just shut my mouth and act happy even if I'm not because there is no reason to be a bitch and call attention to myself. Yes I feel terrible and fat and ugly and stupid and rejected but it's really just my problem because I was the one who did all of that to myself. If I was such a good, attractive person why would people still treat me like this? 
They wouldn't.
Because in their behavior and reaction to me I see who I really am. A pathetic desperate failure. It's a breakthrough really, the way I see it.
My mother is finally taking me to a doctor next Thursday. Then I can know if all this pain is just something I'm making up. That sounded ridiculous because I don't really know how to phrase it. It's like you can't really explain what sadness feels like. Not really.
I'm sorry if anybody who does read this feels like their lives have just been wasted by yet another idiotic teenage girl.
Truly sorry.

Current Mood: Unloved

11/20/07 06:30 pm

Someone really should paint an L on my forehead. =(
I really don't feel much like posting today.

Current Mood: depressed

11/19/07 07:43 pm - Albeit Pointless

I know I'm becoming somewhat redundant to people and in the things I say. I know I should back off because it's better off for others because I know I'm not someone who can make you happy. But I try to laugh, I make stupid jokes to try and make you like me.   
I want an escape again. My band obsessions and the music that I used to shield me before are wearing off. The cuts on my arms from a couple weeks ago are still pink and slightly pealing. I can't stop picking, and counting. It seems so much like home now, so comforting, to know they're there. The urge is forever with me but I'm going away for a couple weeks back to Texas next month and I'm scared an officer or something might see them. I know it's stupid, but I'm paranoid about it. 
Today in itself doesn't have much interesting to offer. Probably the most interesting thing was getting a Playstation game on the way home. Just trying to escape somewhere again.
Current Mood: cold

11/18/07 02:39 pm - Dear Nobody

Past few months was spent ignoring this site. Well not just this one, I suppose. But still. I might as well start posting again, like I did before I decided this summer to delete everything and start anew.  Hah. I can't change myself. I always knew that, but there was that part of me still hoping to. 
I probably seem like a fake here. 
Eh.
My birthday is exactly a month away. There is nothing interesting to do.
A couple weeks ago a girl told me about how she'd once ran into a rather fat girl in the cinema. When they struck up a conversation the girl told her that it was her birthday and that her mother had given her some money and that she was spending the whole day just watching films by herself. It made me so sad.
I probably didn't tell it very well, but even now I'm thinking "That's me!"
I shall probably be alone on my birthday. I keep telling myself that "It's just a birthday", but then it'll make it just like every other day. And every day is a nightmare.
The lonliness is more painful then you can imagine.
To make things worse my arms look bigger, as well as the stomach legs ect. 
I'm way too afraid to weigh myself, because I can just imagine how shakey and distressed I'll be if I gain weight - because if a scale tells you then it's all the more final.
There is more but I shall spare you the details to my pathetic existence. 

 
Current Music: Bluebells - Patrick Wolf
Current Mood: crushed

10/1/07 07:04 pm - To nobody

Dear no one,
It's lonely here. Anywhere I am. I go to school and there is no one there who'll take me in.
They walk away from me.
They ignore me.
When it comes to the end of the day I go home.
Feeling rejected, unwanted. Nobody wants me around, not even my own parents, my own sister. I lie in bed with nothing else to do, trying to forget the growing pain.
And even now I think about how no one will read this. How ironic in a sense.
I'm not allowed medication.
I'm not allowed my own way of helping myself.
I'm completely unprotected by anything to numb the pain. Put out there, by myself, forced to shield myself.
I can't stand it.
It's so lonely.
But that is the only thing I feel anymore.
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